I think the only person who knows this blog exists that I know personally is my husband. And that's fine by me. I enjoy having a place where I can write out some of my feelings and not feel completely raw and exposed to friends and family.
I've noticed over the last six months or so some shifts and changes in some of my relationships with friends. One could surmise that the tides of life are just naturally pulling us apart but I feel like I'm standing on the beach in the same place I've always been and everyone is swimming away from me as fast as they can. It's a hard place to be in when you feel like people are changing and don't have the time to fit you into their life anymore. Worse when they don't seem to notice. Sad when even the kids notice.
I'm not one to really open myself up to others, I like keeping things close to the vest but I'm realizing that I need to open up a bit more and broaden my circle of friends. We've been looking for a new church as well so this just adds to the feeling of isolation. Part of the problem with opening up to others is that I find myself to be such a mish-mash and don't really feel like I belong with any one group of people. I'm politically conservative but artistic and love the arts. I'm a born-again Christian who struggles not to swear in front of the kids. I'm a business-owner but have kids who have never been in day-care and are always cared for by parents who juggle their schedules to make it happen. I'm middle-class with friends above and below me socio-economically. I don't feel like I wholly belong to any one particular group as I violate part of what makes them them.
Perhaps a person more mature than myself would rip the band-aid off and address the situation face-on. I wish that I could but honestly am so hurt I just don't want to even deal with it for fear of more hurt.
For the last year I've felt a bit like a butterfly looking around to find someone else with similar colors and spots because the ones who matched me have all flown away.
It's time to fly a little farther and step outside my comfort zone. Who knows, perhaps I'll find some amazing flowers and butterflies I never knew existed before...
One can hope.