Monday, July 21, 2008

Lately I've noticed that this blog has become a bit of an emotional dumping ground for me. That's not what I set out when I started the blog so I've come to the realization that I need to make some changes. Perhaps I need to invest in a nice little paper journal or start another "anonymous" blog to write things down in. I don't like the tone I've set lately so I'm going to work on that.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given was from my pastor when my husband and I were going through our pre-marital counseling. He told us when we were having trouble in our relationship it would often be from a critical standpoint of what the other person was doing wrong. You can stand there and tick off item after item of exactly what they're doing wrong and exactly what they need to do to change. His advice was that if you ever found yourself in that mindset it usually was best to stop and look inward and try to work on yourself. Now short of the obviously exclusions (drinking/abuse/etc.) I think he pretty much hit the nail on the head.

To that end I'm going to make a conscious effort to work on myself. I often find myself frustrated with others (and who doesn't?) but I need to stop and quit worrying about everyone else and worry about myself. I need to focus on the areas I want to change/improve/grow in and get to work. I certainly can't change anyone else but I absolutely can strive to live the best life possible. I know from previous experience when I do this it absolutely works for me.

Time after time God has shown me that my plans are certainly not always His plans (thank heavens!). I guess I'm still not very comfortable with change and uncertainty but I'm going to quit worrying and start working. (My new mantra: Your will not mine, Your will not mine, Your will not mine)

So, will we have sugar-coated, cheery posts every day? I *don't* think so. So not me. I definitely have a darker sense of humor that may not always convey itself properly in the written word, but I'll never be bubble-gum.

Although this is a knitting blog I don't foresee much in the way of knitting anytime soon. I'm working on existing projects (the baby hat I'm "designing" and the never-ending two at a time socks) as I can and trying to stay on top of everything else in life. I have no idea how all the other knitters in the world can manage to work full-time and still crank out the phenomenal amount of knitting that they do. (Do they not do laundry, cook or clean? I'm trying cover the basics and I still don't have time to knit like they do. Seriously? I'm not judging, just a little jealous.)

And now looking back over yet another wordy post I realize that I should have entitled this blog "Verbose Knitter on the Prairie". Much more appropriate.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I think the only person who knows this blog exists that I know personally is my husband. And that's fine by me. I enjoy having a place where I can write out some of my feelings and not feel completely raw and exposed to friends and family.

I've noticed over the last six months or so some shifts and changes in some of my relationships with friends. One could surmise that the tides of life are just naturally pulling us apart but I feel like I'm standing on the beach in the same place I've always been and everyone is swimming away from me as fast as they can. It's a hard place to be in when you feel like people are changing and don't have the time to fit you into their life anymore. Worse when they don't seem to notice. Sad when even the kids notice.

I'm not one to really open myself up to others, I like keeping things close to the vest but I'm realizing that I need to open up a bit more and broaden my circle of friends. We've been looking for a new church as well so this just adds to the feeling of isolation. Part of the problem with opening up to others is that I find myself to be such a mish-mash and don't really feel like I belong with any one group of people. I'm politically conservative but artistic and love the arts. I'm a born-again Christian who struggles not to swear in front of the kids. I'm a business-owner but have kids who have never been in day-care and are always cared for by parents who juggle their schedules to make it happen. I'm middle-class with friends above and below me socio-economically. I don't feel like I wholly belong to any one particular group as I violate part of what makes them them.

Perhaps a person more mature than myself would rip the band-aid off and address the situation face-on. I wish that I could but honestly am so hurt I just don't want to even deal with it for fear of more hurt.

For the last year I've felt a bit like a butterfly looking around to find someone else with similar colors and spots because the ones who matched me have all flown away.

It's time to fly a little farther and step outside my comfort zone. Who knows, perhaps I'll find some amazing flowers and butterflies I never knew existed before...

One can hope.